Whenever I find myself best with problems, I always retreat into myself. I find myself quieter, less willing to mingle, to talk, to discuss my problems. Even with people closest to me, who at times, fail to understand the reason behind my silence and at others, berate me for my lack of communication. My wife, for instance, feels quite unloved when I don't unload my troubles on her; to her this is a sign of a widening gulf twixt us two. I have seen people share their problems with their spouses, siblings, friends and so on and I think it does help them to some extent to have someone empathise with them. I've seen it recently in my father's case while dealing with my mother's breast cancer, and that was a revelation for me, since I always saw him as the silent type. That's how I've always known him… but that's another matter.

My sister too, I guess, feels the same way to a certain extent. I imagine her to be more understanding though.

Growing up, I was just the same. And I thought most people were just like me. Of course, I thought the same about a number of character traits I have later found myself to possess! But I honestly imagined people internalized their problems and dilemmas and solved them on their own. Later I thought maybe it was a guy thing and females needed to vocalize their problems more. Then I saw that this stereotype at least, was not quite right. Most men too would cast about and form their own social safety net. Not I, though.

No, I still hold on to what I could call the fictional hero, the silent strong type, who broods and broods and leaves the heroine wondering what sadness lies behind those dark eyes. Not so romantic an image, though, do I strike in real life! But then I do not vent all at the end like those heroes too. I take it all in and think upon it and try to solve it and weigh it and set up my own defences and deal with it, all by my lonesome. Always have and always will, hopefully.

Does it make me appear strong? I don't know, though I hope it does. Does it mean I love someone less? No it doesn't, though I can't seem to ameliorate the feeling. Does it drain my resources? Of course it does, and these days with more than one (so many more!) problems, more than ever before. It strains me to the fullest these days, but I still am far from the limits of my strength. Exhausted, yes; spent, no. Hemmed in, yes; helpless, no. Taut, yes; broken, no.

I hope the day does not arise when I need the help of anyone in dealing with my own troubles. Not out a sense of misanthropy, which I do have in abundance, but out of a sense of pride and dignity. Now, if only I could make everyone understand that…..